How To Learn To Love Yourself As A Black Woman

Last Updated on August 25, 2023

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How To Learn To Love Yourself As A Black Woman

What Self-Love Looks Like for Black Women

What does self-love look like?

For me, self-love is about acknowledging the fact that I can’t do everything. I’m not super powerful. I do have some unique qualities, and some skills, but I also have weaknesses, and I’m learning to be okay with my weaknesses. My imperfections mean that I’m human. They mean that I’m real. So, I’m learning to appreciate those things that are not perfect about myself. Acknowledging that you can’t do everything is important. You have to allow yourself that grace. I think we’re now beginning to see how this “strong Black woman” facade is negatively affecting us. We say yes far too often and take on way too much and it can impact the way we feel about ourselves

Self-love for me is mostly about finding time away from all my projects to focus on myself or spend time with my family.

It’s easy to forget to do the kind of things I enjoy doing for myself, like chilling out and watching a good movie or meditating. Maybe I want to work on a puzzle tonight instead of taking care of someone else. Maybe I want to take a bubble bath. Those things are important too! Some of them might seem very luxurious, but you do so much daily, you must dedicate some time to yourself. I make sure that every day I practice just being with myself, talking to myself, learning to know myself. Because we spend 24/7 with ourselves, it’s easy to assume that we know who we are, but if you don’t stop the noise and have a frank conversation with yourself, you never get to know yourself.

And I think that getting to know yourself is the biggest act of self-love.

I practice taking time out. Practice makes perfect. In the same way that there are activities that you do every day to take care of your body, (for instance, showering, brushing your teeth) you have to dedicate daily time to taking care of your self-empowerment. Even if you just read affirmations for five minutes every day, or spend some time in front of the mirror giving yourself a pep talk, focus on yourself daily. If you do it here and there, it doesn’t really work. Take a little time every day just to recap what you’ve done during the day. Think about what brought you joy, because self-love is closely connected to Black joy. It’s important to develop the ability to recognize what makes us happy and to make sure that we include those moments of happiness in our daily lives.

If you had asked me in my twenties or thirties what I would have wanted to do with my free time, I would have answered, “I’d like to go out, enjoy myself, travel the world, live in Ibiza, go on holidays.” In my forties, I just want to spend some time appreciating myself a bit more. I want to be 100% comfortable with myself. I may not have the right shoes, but hey, I’m still walking, and I’m still alive, and I’m still blessed. I’ve still got friends and family.

For me, a big part of self-love is about being kind to myself, and working exceptionally hard, but playing even harder.

I like to take my foot off the gas occasionally, get in my car and go for nice long drive on my own and with my music blaring. Allowing my brain to not think for a moment is so important for me.

There are times where you’ll go, “Oh my God, I’m so down today.” It’s important to recognize those moments where you need to be still. That, for me, is the greatest act of self-love. We are constantly on a balance beam, trying to balance work and social life and relationships. Often, the only time that you probably get on your own is when you’re commuting. I can’t emphasize enough the importance of giving your head the space to be still, and being comfortable with that stillness. Take time to actually think, “Do I like my life? Do I like what I’ve got? Do I like what’s in my own head, my own thoughts?”

Be mindful.

I think, for me, that was the catalyst of my own self-love journey. Just actually sitting back and listening to the thoughts that were going through my mind, listening to the way I was speaking to myself. I mean, wow. This newfound ability to sit still and listen to myself transformed the way I was thinking day to day, moment by moment.

But as a Black woman, it’s pretty difficult to do that. We can lie to each other, but I’d rather not. It’s really difficult to do that. So a huge suggestion that I always say to people is, get a journal, or a book, and write down your thoughts. Do this on a daily basis. And in a year’s time, go back and read through your own thoughts. Don’t read it the day after, read it in a month’s time and see what your thoughts are because that helped me. That will really show you where your head’s actually at. I’ve picked some things that are easy to do. Like meditation, that’s free. I like a bit of a freebie. Think about them as things that will help.

How do you maintain self-love? Practice!

If you start to make it part of your daily routine, it’s hard to miss the cues reminding you to take a time out for yourself. If, for example, you make daily affirmations part of your routine, you’ll find yourself saying them each time you look in the mirror.

It only takes a short time to form a habit, and self-love can become one of your better habits if you start making it a ritual.

Kenbe,

MJ

A creator of safe spaces, and an initiator of difficult conversations, M.J. Fievre, B.S. Ed, spent much time building up her Black students, helping them feel comfortable in their skin, and affirming their identities. Her close relationships with parents and students led her to look more closely at how we can balance protecting our child’s innocence with preparing them for the realities of Black life. When―and how―do you approach racism with your children? How do you protect their physical and mental health while also preparing them for a country full of systemic racism? She began to research the issue and speak to school counselors and psychologists to find (and apply!) strategies parents and teachers can use with their children to broach uncomfortable but necessary topics.

M.J. is the author of Badass Black Girl, a daily dose of affirmations for Black Girls

“You’ll come away from Badass Black Girl feeling as if you’ve known the author your entire life, and it’s a rare feat for any writer.” ―“Mike, the Poet,” author of Dear Woman and The Boyfriend Book

#1 Gift Idea in Teen & Young Adult Cultural Heritage Biographies, Publishers Weekly Select Title for Young Readers

Affirmations for strong, fearless Black girls. Wisdom from Badass Black female trailblazers who accomplished remarkable things in literature, entertainment, education, STEM, business, military and government services, politics and law, activism, sports, spirituality, and more.

Explore the many facets of your identity through hundreds of big and small questions. In this journal designed for teenage Black girls, MJ Fievre tackles topics such as family and friends, school and careers, body image, and stereotypes. By reflecting on these topics, you will confront the issues that can hold you back from living your best life and discovering your Black girl bliss.

Embrace authenticity and celebrate who you are. Finding the courage to live as you are is not easy, so here’s a journal designed to help you nurture creativity, positive self-awareness and Black girl bliss. This journal honors the strength and spirit of Black girls.

Change the way you view the world. This journal provides words of encouragement that seek to inspire and ignite discussion. You are growing up in a world that tries to tell you how to look and act. MJ Fievre encourages you to fight the flow and determine for yourself who you want to be.

Badass Black Girl helps you to:

  • Build and boost your self-esteem with powerful affirmations
  • Learn more about yourself through insightful journaling
  • Become comfortable and confident in your authentic self

how to learn to love yourself as a black woman in nigeria

For years, I struggled with the notion that I was “less than” because of my bipolar disorder. I felt I would never find true love, accomplish my goals or be able to love myself because of my diagnosis. I saw my symptoms as significant flaws that were holding me back from everything I ever wanted. 

After a few years of living in disarray and not working towards my potential, I began soul searching. I realized I could live the life I wanted with my diagnosis—I realized it all started with how I treated myself.

Here are four ways you can love yourself as a black woman with mental health challenges:

1. Find Your Affirmation

While trying to get to the root of my feelings of inadequacy, I found my faith again. I returned to small concepts I learned as a child in church. During this time, I was dealing with a great deal of anxiety, so I wrote scriptures on sticky notes and stuck them to my mirror. I read them while putting on my makeup every day, sometimes aloud and sometimes silently. 

Those scriptures helped me see that for everything I was feeling, God was my remedy. I had to remember I am wonderfully made for a purpose and my diagnosis is not a mistake or a flaw that makes me incomplete, but a piece of who I am that makes me unique and more qualified for my journey. It’s been about two years, and the same scriptures are still there. You can use quotes that affirm or lift you.

2. Put Yourself First

In dealing with my mental health diagnosis, sometimes I’m not as social. I let phone calls and text messages go unanswered. I’ve been absent from family events. I’ve even put my college degree on hold to get myself back into a positive headspace. It isn’t always easy, but looking back, it’s been worth it. What can you contribute to the ones you love most with your head in the sand? What good is a college degree if you can’t get up in the morning and use it at your job? 

In putting myself first, I’ve found the people and things I put on hold were still there when I emerged a better, healthier person. Of course, there has to be an understanding, and they have to be aware of your issues for this to work out, but the people who truly love you always will understand. If things have gotten out of control for you, or you’re busy and not productive, take a step back and don’t be afraid to say no. Try focusing on you and see how things change.

3. Ask For Help

I fought before asking for help for the longest time. I grew up in a single-parent, only-child household where my mother was superwoman. She handled her job, her child, and her family obligations and went to church every Sunday. She was more than competent in every regard. I watched her build a great life for us, and as I began to battle with my mental health, I felt as though I should have been able to handle it all, as she did. 

My sophomore year in college, I broke down and asked for help. I began seeing therapists. It was a hard decision, but one of the best decisions I ever made. The same was true when it came to asking my family for support. It’s still tough, but I push through. 

Recently, I called my cousin to chat with her. I told her I was experiencing anxiety. She talked me through the issues that were concerning me, made me laugh, as always, and told me she loved me. Maybe you need a therapist, or perhaps you need just a listening ear, but either way, don’t try to carry it all alone. 

4. Protect Your Peace

As women of color, we often have to fight the stigma within our communities surrounding mental health challenges. There have been times in my mental health journey when people I trusted have given me advice based solely on their opinion or lack of knowledge. It can leave you feeling even more inadequate and questioning what you know to be true for yourself. 

For instance, a loved one once told me they didn’t believe I was bipolar. Because I am a very strong person who understands what I’ve gone through, I let the comment go. But for someone who struggles with coming to terms with their diagnosis or challenges, this comment could have been very damaging.

You will cross paths with people who don’t think mental health diagnoses are real or don’t believe in treating mental health conditions with medication, but I am here to tell you that you have to protect your peace by doing what’s best for you. Also, you may have to limit your interactions with people who invalidate your struggle. Protecting your peace includes changing how you deal with people or situations that interfere with your harmony and happiness. 

I’ve worked extremely hard to get to a positive space in my life, and I’m sure you have, too. Lately, I’ve found myself ending negative conversations. If I’m talking to someone and they are negative, I stop the conversation or shift to a positive topic. This is not selfish: It’s self-care.

These four practices have empowered me to live unapologetically. They have led me to my purpose and given me the courage to pursue my dreams. I hope these tactics give you the confidence you need to build your own system of loving yourself.

Kara Lynch is the writer of kontentlykara.com, a mental health blog inspiring people with mental health challenges. She writes to give others the opportunity to see themselves in her story. For more, you can follow her on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter: @kontentlykara or at her website. 

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