Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction to others. An asexual person may not experience romantic attraction, or any other kind of erotic desire for that matter.
If you’re wondering how to become asexual, it’s important to understand what it means to be asexual and what it doesn’t mean. Asexuality is not celibacy or abstinence: it’s an identity and way of life. You don’t choose to become asexual; you simply realize you are one.
In order to become asexual, you must first recognize that this is who you are and accept yourself as such. You can’t just pretend to be some sort of robot or robot hunter; those things are cool but they’re not real life.
Once you’ve accepted your identity as an asexual person, there are ways to live out that identity in ways that make sense for your particular circumstances. For example:
- If you work in an office environment where everyone else is really into sex stuff all the time (sex parties, sexy photos on their desks), then maybe consider keeping some books about math around for when people ask about your interests at lunchtime? Math is totally hot right now!
How To Become Asexual
An all too common set of misconceptions makes people unaware, prejudiced and unprepared to be an asexual ally: Asexual people just haven’t met the right person yet; asexuality is a type of reproduction; asexual people don’t have sex or relationships. These are all myths.
Asexuality, like all sexual orientations, exists on a spectrum. So as the world celebrates Asexual Awareness Week (Ace Week) from the 25 to the 31 of October this year, learning how to be an asexual ally is vital.
Founded by Sara Beth Brooks in 2010, Ace week is in its tenth anniversary year. So it’s the perfect opportunity to read up on sexual, romantic and identities, including those beyond the binary so you can be an ally to asexual people.
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It’s simple enough. First up, understanding that some asexual people have romantic relationships, and some have sex–while accepting most don’t–is a crucial part of breaking down the myths.
Then, get to know the labels and identities that sit within asexuality. This will help you understand when to intervene and challenge the most common misconceptions people have, that fuel prejudice, about being asexual.
What is the definition of asexuality?
For many asexual people, it is a lack or lower lack sense of sexual attraction or desire towards people of all genders.
This means asexual individuals may still experience attraction–it’s specifically about attraction in sexual manners.
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Because of this lack of understanding, asexual people can face an all manner of difficulties. This changes a lot, depending on where they are in the world.
However, in the worst cases, asexual people face difficult medicalizations, mental health problems, rejection by their families and even sexual harassment and violence.
At a broader level, they face discrimination in society and institutions which do not understand their sexuality.
“The biggest challenge is dealing with the constant pressure from society to be sexual.” Asexual YouTuber Slice of Ace, or Daniel, tells me.Forbes LeadershipREAD MOREWhat’s Working So Far In BeatingThe Great Resignation
“Before finding out about sexuality, it can make you feel like you’re broken because you’re not experiencing the same thing as everyone else.
“It doesn’t help that it’s a lot harder to identify as asexual than other orientations. If you’re gay, for example, you can recognise your attraction to people of the same gender. But there’s nothing to recognise when you’re asexual. You’re trying to prove that you don’t feel sexual attraction, which is infinitely more difficult than the reverse.”
And for the prominent asexual advocate Yasmin Benoit, she is also frustrated by the invisibility asexual people have in the LGBTQ community, even wit the acceptance you might expect from them:
“The stereotypes surrounding asexuality have led other LGBTQ people to think that we would be harmful in queer spaces because of untrue prejudice about what gets called our ‘anti-sex’ attitudes,” Benoit tells me.
“Unfortunately, there isn’t a lot of asexual visibility within the LGBTQ community to combat these negative stereotypes. Most of those who have these opinions about asexual people don’t actually know any.”
What is the difference between sexuality, attraction and libido?
Sex, can all to easily be a catch-all for many different meanings, which drives some of the prejudice asexual people face.
There is a difference between sexuality, attraction and your libido–and defining them will help you understand how asexual people feel about these parts of sex.
Sexuality is the way people experience and express themselves sexually. When we talk about sexual orientations, we often talk about attractions–but it’s important to draw a distinction.
Attraction is literally, who we are attracted too–who catches our eye. Different from sexuality because, that is about the expression of sex, whereas attraction is who sparks an interest in us.
Libido is our overall sexual drive or desire for sexual activity.
In short, asexual people can be attracted to people. Their sexuality can be not wanting to express themselves sexually at all. And that is defined by their libido or their lack of a sexual drive.
Asexuality 101: The difference between being sex-repulsed, indifferent to sex or sex-positive
Like all sexual and gender identities, everyone will experience their asexuality individually. Indeed, some people find great solace in labels below, where others don’t feel the need to pick one.
Knowing the different words asexual people use, so when they do come up, you’re able to understand them is a crucial part of being an ally. However, it’s also important to remember, even if the label you might use to describe someone feels right for them, not to label someone on their behalf. Identity is individual.
Sex-repulsed
Sex-repulsed people, literally feel disgusted or put off by the thought of sex, says WhatIsAsexuality.com. They describe it as “not necessarily the thought that sex is ‘wrong’, more that it’s ‘icky.'”
Indifferent to sex
People who are Sex-indifferent, or sometimes prefer the term sex-neutral, are people who have no strong feelings about sex. The LGBTA Wiki explains that “Sex-indifferent asexuals are not repulsed by sex, but they also do not have any particular positive feelings about sex.”
For some, this means indifference to having sex, but for others, it will have a broader sense of apathy to all sex. Some people who are sex indifferent may have sex as part of giving pleasure to their partner, or for reproduction. But ultimately, they have no strong feelings one way or the other about sex.
Sex-positive
Sometimes known instead as sex-favourable, sex-positive asexual people do or may enjoy having sex. They may seek sexual relationships for many reasons. Whether because they want and enjoy the feeling, or because sex builds into a romantic relationship for them. The key takeaway is this too is a spectrum, where some sex acts may leave them to feel indifferent or repulsed too.
Other labels you should know in asexual and split attraction spectrum
Split Attraction Model
The split attraction model is used by many asexual people to describe their identity. It covers the fact that for some people sexual attraction and romantic attraction are two different things.
Ace
This is a nickname or short name some asexual people use. YouTuber Vesper identifies as Queer Ace:
“I identify as Queer because not only am I anything but ‘straight’ or cis, but my lack of experience of sexual attraction is non-[hetero]normative,” they tell me.
“And with “Ace” because I happen to feel strongly about putting a name to my lack of sexual attraction, even if I leave everything else to the imagination with “queer.”
Aromantic
A romantic orientation, or being aromantic, is experiencing little or no romantic attraction to others.
Demisexual
Demisexuality is a sexual and romantic orientation. Demisexual people tend to only experience sexual attraction to people they have formed close emotional connections to first.
Grey-A
Grey-A or grey asexuality is another nod to the very fact that, asexuality is a spectrum. Trying to capture the grey area between asexuality and sexuality, people may use this label to tell you they only experience sexual attraction on occasion.
Queer Platonic
Facebook would describe this as “it’s complicated”–but that doesn’t do it justice in any way.
People will use this to describe feelings, or a relationship that is non-romantic or ambiguously romantic, that breaks western social norms for platonic relationships.
In short, it’s a relationship defined by a strong bond or emotional commitment, that doesn’t go beyond friendship.
Three easy ways to start being an asexual ally today
Being an asexual ally is much like being an ally to transgender, non-binary or bisexual people.
It’s about understanding your privilege, and doing what you can to learn about asexuality on your own time–before asking asexual people to explain it all to you.
Avoid asking asexual people demeaning questions like “how do you know,” or “but haven’t you tried”– these undermine the very legitimacy of someone’s identity.
Instead remember that broad generalisations about asexual people, including some in this article, are only useful up to a point. Identity is individual, and asexuality is the same. If you are going to ask questions, think about how you’d feel about being asked them about your own identity.
And when in doubt. Read more. Here are some more asexual resources to help you continue this asexual awareness week:
- AVEN – Asexual Visibility and Education Network
- Vesper’s resources for Ace POC people
- The Asexual Agenda – A Community Blog
- What Is Asexuality? – Website
- The Asexual – A Journal
- Julie Sondra Decker’s “The Invisible Orientation” – Book
- Angela Chen’s “Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex” – Book
- Ash Hardell’s “The ABC’s of LGBT+” – Book
