They have preconceived notions about what being a dominant man means, and whilst it may be possible to convince them I’m not an abuser of women, I don’t want to waste my energy.
It’s those who are curious that excite me.
I see it as a fresh opportunity to help someone discover the world of BDSM (you can see all my guides on Dom/sub here). I’m not there to lecture or persuade or preach (although sometimes I do slip into that mode occasionally because I’m incredibly passionate about the topic), simply to act as a kinky guide for a few brief moments.
Are you primarily more of a Dom or a sub?
I’m there to understand what they know, what they’ve experienced, and what’s got them thinking about it.
I love nothing more than speaking with a woman who has just discovered the scene or has recently discovered she is turned on by something which society says is wrong.
She may have the tiniest seedlings of ideas of she wants to try, or raging fantasies she MUST try, but she doesn’t quite know where to begin.
Questioning my motives
The first question I generally get is what does being a male Dom mean?
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My answer is usually a rambling one.
Organising my thoughts on the fly when I speak on such a nuanced topic as the Dom sub dynamic doesn’t come naturally to me. My vocabulary feels limited, the words don’t come out in order, and the thoughts I have swirling around in my head just don’t seem to organise themselves into neatly, ribbon-tied bundles of clarity.
So I thought I’d switch to another medium – writing.
I’d try and put words on paper (or screen) that sum up what being a dominant means to me, and how this is reflected in the Dom sub relationships (both long and short) I’ve enjoyed over the last few years.
This is a personal account. It isn’t meant to be a guide or an instruction manual on how to do things.
It’s a collection of thoughts that will hopefully give you a sense of my modus operandi, and may help you decide if you want to find a Dom of your own, or be a Dom.
How not to be a Dom
I do not get along with loud, arrogant, self-centred or overly controlling men.
I find men difficult to relate to at the best on times, not being into football or sport or drinking myself. And their lack of willingness to discuss anything more than superficial topics doesn’t appeal.
The stereotypical alpha male is something I find both intimidating and dislikable.
(They do say you subconsciously want for yourself the traits you find irritating in others, and I do relate to this. I would like to be more assertive, but it doesn’t need to come with the brashness or lack of regard for others that these men often have.)
When people hear the word dominant, they think of the man who is powerful, high status, successful, controlling, domineering, assertive, a perfectionist, who exudes confidence, wants things done their way, and lacks empathy and warmth.
They probably score highly on all three of the dark triad tendencies; narcissism, psychopathy and Machiavellianism.
Subs (and a lot of women who don’t identify with the BDSM world) are typically drawn to men with these characteristics naturally.
Why?
It harks back to our lizard brain programming and desire to survive and pass on our DNA.
He may not be a reliable man, but he gets shit done (even if that means treading over people on the way to the top), will protect her should a fight break out, and can make a life or death decision in an emergency to ensure she lives to have beautiful babies and pass on her genetic material.
It’s alluring partly due to our brain’s hardwiring, and partly because she can relax knowing that with him, what you see if what you get. No (or few) games.
Is this what I mean when I use the word Dom?
Absolutely not.
SOME of those traits ARE useful, don’t get me wrong.
Yes, I need to be assertive (Edit: in my style of dominance).
Yes, I need to be confident and command respect. (Edit: in my style of dominance).
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How can I give commands to my sub if I don’t know what I want, or can’t make decision?
Will she respect and listen to me if I speak my mind in a timid and shaking voice, deep down not believing she will do what I ask her?
No.
So you do need some of the harder, masculine traits. To be a little bit controlling, able to manage people, and I suspect to be more the type of personality who is a ‘thinker’ rather than a ‘feeler’. To have logic and reason, not emotion, as your primary drivers to stay cool or unflustered when dealing with difficult life situations (for example not letting anger or frustration cloud your judgement when making an important decision).
(Edit: When I originally wrote this article, I believed that in order to be a dom you have to have the qualities I outline in the paragraph above. I now accept this doesn’t have to be the case, and I am looking at things through the lens of my style of dominance when I write. So, if you read the above paragraph and didn’t relate, don’t worry! You are free to create what ever style of dynamic you wish)
(As a side note, I am very interested in personality tests such as Myers Briggs, and wonder if Dom types have a particular set of personality types and subs another. Take the test in the link and let me know your results in the comments, including if you are a Dom or sub).
But having the qualities I listed above ALONE don’t make you a good Dom because you would be too ‘self’ focused.
And that’s what people I speak to think being a Dom is all about. Having whatever you want, whenever you want, and making your sub do your bidding all the time.
